I Don't Understand

Humans aren't perfect. It's quite the opposite - we're flawed in so many ways and we've seen how ugly we can get. We're selfish, lazy, arrogant, and sinful. That applies especially to me. I get it.

But how can God love me so much? How can He still call me His son without cringing? How can He call me by name and welcome me back with reckless abandon after I come home with my tail between my legs? How can He shamelessly run towards me, embrace me, and give me a robe, ring and sandals when He despises my very nature? How can He call His one and only son down to my level and sacrifice Him on the cross for my sins?

Why would God do those things? He knows that I continually fail - is He crazy? Why does He shower me with so much when I can only offer Him so little? This is too good to be true. Is there a catch? Am I good enough for His gifts? Am I working hard enough? I can't figure Him out.

I don't understand.

But then again, maybe God's love and grace aren't the things that I'm supposed to understand.
He tells me He treats me this way because of who I am to Him, and maybe I should be trying to receive that identity instead of overthinking God.

I wonder, what it would look like for me to completely embrace the identity that God's given me and live like it? What it would look like for me to call Him Father, in the entire sense of the word? What would it look like for me to discard my pride, stop worrying about if I'm deserving of grace, and just take whatever He gives me? What would it look like for me to truly depend on Him?

Sure, you can call me crazy, but what matters is that God calls me His beloved.
That relationship is the one thing I seek to understand.